Friday, September 10, 2010

Better Day #8

My experiences proved me that I really am human. Yes, this has been the lowest depression I've been in my whole life. But that only means that I loved with all my heart, strength, and being. I am not ashamed to admit that I feel deep pain in the chambers of my heart. There is this void in the left ventricle I can't fill for now. There is a gap in the right ventricle that is incessantly throbbing. There is longing in the left atrium which is slowly disappearing. But aside from pain, the most important thing is this space reserved for change in the right atrium which is continually growing. It's a good thing my heart now has the openness to embrace change. One day, I'll look back and tell myself, "You did a great job, Dez."

Since Day #6, I've been embracing changes in my life by accepting them and making them. In the next few days and months, I'll watch myself change and eventually, I'll be happy. I know it's not going to be easy. But I won't let anybody make me feel rejected ever again. And so yesterday, I decided to cut my hair short. It's a drastic change since I want my hair long, but it's a good start. Today, I'll pamper myself, relax, and free my heart of the things that have been bothering it. And in the next days, I'll continue creating changes. I'll still pursue my dreams and I won't stop completing the plans I have started.

I have a thing for naming objects that mean a lot to my life. Just right this moment, I thought of giving my heart a name. It's only recently that I've come in close connection with my heart and it is relieving to know that my heart is forgiving yet strong. It has been crushed and wrecked, but it regenerated fast to help me still be complete. My heart is still beating. It beats only for me; not for any other person. I guess that's the lesson to learn here: NEVER LET YOUR HEART BEAT FOR OTHERS. Your heart is yours and yours alone. Without your heart, you cannot give love.

I now think that it is good to give your heart to the person you love, but it is best to keep your heart as you love wholeheartedly. That way, you are leaving something for yourself. That way, both parties benefit equally. That way, you are still complete while giving the love your partner deserves.

So what name must I give my heart? The first thing that popped in my head is Lucrezia. A funny name it is, but at least, it's not morbid. I maybe bad at naming, but I'll stick with Lucrezia and just give my heart a nickname of Zia. That sounds better. Agree?

I am changing
We are all changing. But I'll make sure I'll change for the improvement of myself, my life. I'll change so that the time my destiny comes, I am complete and prepared for some true lovin'.

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