Saturday, October 30, 2010

Trick or Treat!

Dear Juliet,

Happy Halloween! I found myself cracking up as Clay went out, channeling the Edward Cullen vibe. This is from the sixth episode of OTH season 7. So, who are you gonna be today? In as much as I'd like to be Bella, well, my hair wouldn't fit the role. LOL.

So, unlike Madelaine who’s enjoying life somewhere in Palawan and everyone else who have planned their vacation for Undas, I’m stuck here, in our humble, boring home. It’s going to be a long weekend, indeed. To make this battle—my stay at home—less dragging, I equipped myself with:

I’ve been wanting to read good books. But since I’m reading all day at work, I decided to scratch reading for leisure off my to do list. Now that I’ve got four vacant days, I better make good use of it.

The Tao of Pooh: This book was in my Christmas wish list last year. Or was it two years ago? Unfortunately, nobody got me the book. Since I’m in search for meaningful happiness, I thought this will be a good read. Pooh is really cute. I don’t really remember whether he’s really a HE, though.

Oh, he’s a HE! “But his arms were so stiff... they stayed up straight in the air for more than a week, and whenever a fly came and settled on his nose, he had to blow it off. And I think—but I am not sure—that is why he is always called Pooh” (A.A. Milne, 1926).

Eat, Pray, Love: My boss told me upon reading my blog that my September experience reminds her of this book. I guess that’s her way of lightening up my heartbreak during those low times. She encouraged me to do the same thing the author did. Who knows, I might end up with something significant (like a book), or in a cozy place, or with someone. Ayiieee =)

I’ve missed out on a lot of movies. Good thing, we chanced upon the Odyssey sale in SMF. Haha, hooray for cheap VCDs! Here is my lame attempt on catching up:

Corpse Bride ~ Wala lang. It’s just apt and in time for Halloween (at least for me). I’m not into horror movies eh. Yeah, I’m that scared. Haha.

Eagle Eye ~ Now this one’s a suspense thriller I can handle. I think Shia is hot. That’s one reason why I got this. Plus, it’s a Steven Spielberg produced film, so it might not disappoint.

What Happens in Vegas ~ I just needed a chick flick. I also wanted to see Ashton act.

Brokeback Mountain ~ Yes, I’m that big a loser. I haven’t seen this yet. And now’s the time! Wuhoo.

Hair treatment stuff
I mentioned in a previous blog entry that my hair resembles that of Mon Confiado’s. I got salon treatments thinking my hair will become more manageable, but then the treatments did not work. I hope these do the trick to solve my predicament about being Bella. LOL.

Belle de Jour
Magbabalik-loob na ako sa Belle de Jour for 2011. I loved my 2010 Starbucks Planner, but BDJ is more girly and fun. I already placed my order and I'm oh so excited to see it. I'll spend my four days anticipating its arrival. Now this reminds me to drop by SM to deposit my payment. Rawr. Ang bilis maubos ng sweldo. Oh wait, shoot. Holiday nga pala. Hayz.

Anyways, ayun lang. I’m wishing everyone to have a happy weekend! :)

Hoping, waiting, believing.

Monday, October 25, 2010

23 years and counting ♥

Dear Juliet,

I was not expecting anything special for this day. I was convinced that I’m too old for birthday surprises. And since we’re broke, that’s enough reason to skip the celebrations this year. But even though there were no celebrations, that shouldn’t stop me from having birthday wishes, right? So my humble wish for my 23rd birthday is contentment, healing, and rebirth—the same thing a good old friend wished for me. I may also wish for an iPad or a DSLR, but nah, I think I could work for those. Besides, stuff that money can’t buy still matter the most, right? ;p

Here’s how my “special” day went. This morning, my mom, as usual, was the first person to talk to me. This time, she wasn’t waking me up for work since it’s a holiday. Very convenient! She was poking me while cheerfully greeting me for my birthday. I paid her no attention and just turned on my side to continue sleeping.

When I had enough sleep and felt the urge to get up and pee, Mama once again greeted me. She gave me a big hug and a kiss, and said, “23 is not too old, anak.” She was preparing something. The vegetables and chicken flakes gave away the obvious—she’s cooking pancit. Ah, for long life.

So after the comfort room, I headed to the computer table right away. I was giddy and excited to see how many have greeted me already. I turned Austin on and freaked out when I saw how disorganized my desktop is. Only after a few seconds did it sink in. My sister deliberately altered my desktop to surprise me. She made a wall paper for me. Sweet! Since we were kids, we have this tradition of making cards and notes for our parents during special occasions. We would post it on the fridge or on their bedroom door. Thanks to technology, that tradition revolutionized as well. Here’s the wall paper Meagan made. Artsy, huh? She’s not really techy, so I’m wondering how she made this—Photoshop or Paint? I'd say PAINT! ;p

Matapos kiligin for a while, I proceeded to check my Facebook. My notifications didn’t disappoint. My wall was flooded with birthday greetings. It’s kinda surprising considering that I’m not really sociable and yet these people remembered me. I guess I have the FB birthday reminder to thank. I was actually only expecting greetings from my really close friends. But hey FB friends, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking time to write your well wishes on my wall. Your greetings are very much appreciated. HUGS to all! :) Big hugs also go out to my girl friends who met with me yesterday. I so love the undergarment they bought for me. I love you girls! ♥

Come nighttime, I patiently replied to all the FB wall messages. I thought I had to pay back the effort they exerted in typing “happy birthday” and clicking the “send” button. It somehow broke my heart that I had to call a college crush “kuya” though. :( But hey, at least he greeted me! KILIG! :) Now, should I mention how Madie’s heart broke when her college crush greeted me? Nah, I don’t think so. LOL.

All in all, I was a bummer the whole day. I took the liberty to sleep whenever I can. I watched The Blind Side to make my day a little bit less boring. The movie was really moving. It inspired me to do something good to others. When I already have the resources, I sure will do the same thing as the Tuohys.

COURAGE and HONOR. If there’s one valuable lesson I learned from the movie, that is to hope for courage and try for honor. Michael Oher is right. All of us can be courageous. But the question is, why are we being brave? Are we defying the odds for everybody’s benefit? or just for our own good? Are we stepping up to help others? or are we stepping on others to be able to go up?

For my 23rd birthday, I found inspiration from Michael Oher. Because of him, I became firmer on keeping my moral compass straight and on being contented with what I have. From here on, I’ll try to always strive for honor. And so, I’m leaving you this text which happens to be my favorite from the movie.
“Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or a mistake, but you’re not supposed to question adults, or your coach, or your teacher because they make the rules. Maybe they know best but maybe they don’t. It all depends on who you are, where you come from. Didn’t at least one of the six hundred guys think about giving up and joining with the other side? I mean, Valley of Death, that’s pretty salty stuff. That’s why courage is tricky. Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you’re doing something. I mean, any fool can have courage. But honor, that’s the real reason you either do something or you don’t. It’s who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important then you have both honor and courage and that’s pretty good.”
 Hoping, waiting, believing.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Use somebody!

Dear Juliet,

When words are not enough to express how I feel, I resort to listening to music. Most of the time, nangungusap ang mga kanta sa akin. After a certain song ends, be it April Boy's or Lady Antebellum's, I'll be really amazed and realize, "Wow, now that song just summarized my current state of mind, if not my life." 

I found this note on Facebook and instantly got interested in doing the activity. The songs on your media player are supposed to answer the questions. I really had fun answering this! I even related some titles and lyrics to my life. However, the last parts became really weird. The songs didn't connect at all. But then that's part of the game, right? Here it goes...

–Read my POKER FACE by Lady Gaga
[Haha. Taray!]

[Oh well, hey, that’s my relationship status at least ;p]

–I am a FIREWORK by Katy Perry

–HALO by Beyonce
[He has to be my saving grace daw: Everywhere I'm looking now / I'm surrounded by your embrace / Baby I can see your halo / You know you're my saving grace]

Sabaw at Mani

Dear Juliet,

I've been meaning to write sensible entries these past few days, but my neurons are being difficult. Like me, they're acting crazy and are plain dysfunctional.

I'm supposed to be editing a Physics answer key at the moment. It's due early morning tomorrow so I heavy-heartedly took it home and moped because of the fact that I don't really have to go to work tomorrow but I have to. I tried to read a few items, but then I freaked out upon seeing the sine, cosine, tangent functions. To calm myself down, I returned to the computer table and started exploring the fake Photoshop CS5 I installed yesterday.

Back in college, I loved to edit pictures using Photoshop. Since I was acne-prone during those times, Photoshop was my best friend. It never failed to make me believe I'm beautiful. LOL. But now that I'm oh-so-perfect, Photoshop became handy in adjusting photo colors and adding artsy stuff to captured memories na lang. Here's one photo: 

Madie is really one great buddy. I'm not really vocal to her about this, but she really has become a big part of my life. A lot of people have hurt me and have gone out of my life, but she remained. Ayus di ba? I guess that's one proof that at the end of the day, though things have changed, we should make an effort to have the good ones remain in our lives. Kaya naman I started sorting out memories. I junked those that won't help me live a better life and kept those that will strengthen my faith, my hope, my beliefs.

Speaking of faith, I think I've been called. I think God wants me to be a servant of Him. Kasi lately, I've been entertaining thoughts of being a nun. And surprisingly, friends have been bringing up this topic [i.e. Madie and the nun directress who interviewed her, an FB status of an HS friend about nuns, etc.] Hhhhmmmm. Interesing! I'll get back on that thought when my neurons are no longer afloat in my mind's sabaw. [Hay. I'm re-reading this paragraph at tila nagulat din ako sa mga nababasa ko. Weird much, Debra?!]

Hayun. I really have a lot to say. But then, I guess I'm either too tired or too sad or too confused or too lazy at the moment. All I can think of is getting a sleeve just like this one on the arm of American Idol Season 9's Megan Joy Corkery. FIERCE.

But then again, if I were to have a tattoo like this, will I still be allowed to enter the convent? Ang sabaw lang di ba? Tapos di pa masarap yung mani na kinain namin ni mama kanina. Boo.

P.S. Hi reader from Singapore! :)

Hoping, waiting, believing.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I'm a critic of myself.

Dear Juliet,

This is me in pony schmony. I've decided to just tie my hair up [like during college] from this day on. That way, di ko mapapansing maiksi sya at magugulat na lang ako na mahaba na sya ulit. Hay. I so miss my long hair. I hope it grows long fast.

Napapansin mo rin ba, Juliet? Ang pangit na talaga ng mukha ko. Sana pwede ma-maintain yung chubbiness ng face habang pinapapayat ko ang aking tummy at flabby arms and pata-ness. This thin [or so I think] face is not working for me. I'm starting to be convinced na maganda na lang ako under low light and on low-quality cameras [like Austin's VGA webcam]. Haha. You know those bad-face days when you feel you're not beautiful? These days are that.

So I've been experiencing a lot of changes lately; most of which are not really stuff to be proud of. For one, I'm starting to get sick. It's not normal for me to get down with flu. However, my body resistance has been failing lately. I guess this is a sign that I should go back to eating normally. But then, if I go back to eating normally, I'll get fat and I don't want to get fat. Huhu. But I have to work out on my eating habits. I'll make sure to find a way. Promise!

Also, my eyebags are starting to get really scary. Sadly, they have now evolved to zombie eyebags. Since I can't get rid of them right away, the only solution I could think of is to hide them under my nerdy glasses. After all, I haven't been using my contact lenses lately. But I also really, really have to find a way to fix this, especially because I'm planning on getting me a new eye color soon. Hay. I can't afford to lose my charming eyes to zombie eyebags. I just can't. LOL.

I've been too stressed out lately too, probably because of my deliberate choice to starve myself. For some unexplainable reasons, I'll just snap at my mom or my sister because of petty matters. I'm just really lucky they always understand that my days have been really hectic and that I've been under too much work and school pressure. Hay. Lucky me. I gotta love my family. ♥

Another sign of stress is that I wake in the middle of the night finding myself drooling in an OA kinda way. It's really gross but I can't help it. How can I stop myself from drooling when I'm asleep and not aware of it, right? Now how do I solve that problem?

Lastly, I think I'm now a jejegirl. Di ba Madelaine? And I'm enjoying it. Madie even called me the linguist jejemon. Right on! Jejejeje.

Hay nakhowz. I'm just glad I'm finally done with my first sem in school. At least I'll have some time to breathe now.

Smile. Breathe. Smile. Breathe.
Hoping, waiting, believing.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Dear Juliet,

I am two hours and 45 minutes away from taking one final exam. I haven't reviewed yet and here I am, talking to you. Hay. You know that mood when you just don't want to pressure yourself from doing something which you don't enjoy? I'm definitely in that mood for the last few days. I always postpone reviewing for watching my favorite series, sleeping, seeing friends, hanging out with my sister, reading blogs, and other useless bumming-around activities. I know I'm being irresponsible, but I just want to make myself happy. Yes. Weirdly, I think I find bliss in procrastination. Wow, I am so doomed!

I just wish I'm one of those uberly motivated persons. I wish I have the right attitude to persevere so that someday, I'll have the chance to tell my rags to riches story. However, with the indifference and laziness I have regarding important matters in my life, I definitely am not certain if I'll ever get somewhere.

How can I motivate myself then? I need help; divine intervention. I hope God helps me realize that studying will do me a lot of good things. I hope God helps me remember why I wanted to do this in the first place. I hope God hits me with a frying pan in the head so that the fact that I'm doing this for myself and my family sticks and reverberates in my brain.

Hay! I better go now.

Motivation. Motivation. Motivation.
Positivity. Positivity. Positivity.

Hoping, waiting, believing.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Happy birthday MEAGAN!

Alam kong mahal mo ako maski hindi mo sinasabi, maski ayaw mo magpakiss, maski ayaw mo magpahug. Mahal din naman kita, sister dear. Maraming salamat sa pagsundo mo sa akin sa Gumbo. Simula nung araw na iyon, lubos na nadama kong nag-aalala ka pala sa akin. Salamat sa pang-iinis, sa pagpapatawa, at sa pagpapaload mo sa akin palagi. Maraming salamat sa pakikinig mo sa akin. Maraming sa pagdamay mo sa akin. Maraming salamat sa mga food trip na libre mo. Maraming salamat sa panlilibre mo sa akin kapag malungkot ako. Maraming salamat sa lahat ng tulong mo sa akin. Maraming salamat sa pagpapahiram mo sa akin ng mga gamit mo. Maraming salamat sa mga bonding. Salamat sa pagmamahal na hindi mo maamin. LOL. Hindi ko man nasasabi, pero sobrang naeenjoy kitang kasama, lalo na ngayon. Haha.

Sana maging mas masaya tayo bilang magkapatid. Sana mas tumatag tayong dalawa kahit tumanda na tayo. Sana hindi lang ako yung open sa iyo. Sana matutuhan mo rin na maging open sa akin about your life. Maaasahan mo naman ako. Hayun. Salamat sa lahat, kapatid. I lab you!

Magkamukha naman pala tayo eh. Mwah ♥

Hoping, waiting, believing.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dear Juliet,

I just have to vent this one out. Please bear with me. During days reigned by unwelcome fly aways and unwanted dry ends, I think that my hair looks just like Mon Confiado’s [imagine his long relaxed hair, circa 19-ekek].

Geez! Why can’t my tresses simply love me back?! WHY?!! So despite that bothersome observation, I find retreat to the truth [Yes, notice my semantic selection for TRUTH. Hahar.] that I am beautiful no matter what hairstyle I have. My angelic face will raise Mon Confiado’s hairstyle to the highest hair pedestal there ever is in this world. And in the end, it’ll be just me, my angelic face, and my hair reaping praises and rewards from the hair gods of the highest. LOL. Ok, I’ll stop now.

But can somebody just please answer this question of mine—Do you actually think this straight haired version of Mon Confiado is attractive? Forgive me. This is just me, but I really get turned off with guys who have their hair straightened. Aside from the fact na talbog ang beauty ko sa straight hair nila, it’s just way over the top, not to mention too girly as well.

Okay Mon Confiado fans, don’t kuyog me just yet. I don’t hate Mon and I know I don’t have the right to judge a person based on his hairdo preference. But please do understand that I get rattled and scared. In this day and age when hair preferences [and clothing preferences, even] no longer distinguish the respective genders from the other, I want to be identified only as a real woman and not as a confused Mon Confiado look alike.

Hoping, waiting, believing.

Happy birthday MAMA!

No pictures for you, mama. Just pure gratitude that you are my mother and love. I wouldn't be this person without you. Thank you for everything. For crying with me during my lowest moment. For the words of encouragement. For understanding my crazy mind. For waking me up in the morning so that I won't be late for work. For cooking great viands for the family. For enduring our laziness at home. For tolerating our nastiness towards you. For patiently looking after us even if we no longer need to be looked after. For pampering us with your motherly love. For praying for us and our endeavors. For always wishing me good luck with my tasks. For supporting me with what I want in life. For being a good model to me. For everything.

Someday, I'll be a great wife and mother like you. But before that happens, I could only imagine enrolling to tons of cooking lessons. I love you mama. I love you so much. I hope God gives you and Daddy long lives so that you'd see how wonderful my family and my kids would be in the future. I'll try my best to raise them the way you did to us. HUGS!

Hoping, waiting, believing.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Happy Birthday DADDY! :)

♥ from your four-eyed monsters. este, DAUGHTERS! :)
Mama's at home, thinking of you too.
We miss you. We love you.

Thanks for not giving up on us, for working hard for us, for encouraging me to continue my post-grad studies, for your support in every aspect of my life, for being the only guy we can trust in our lives, for showing us how a bonded family makes life easier, for teaching us to be strong individuals, for raising us to become the persons we are today, for sending us to reputable schools, for dreaming for us and with us, for crying with us through our pains, for being proud of our simple achievements, for being a responsible father, for being a good provider, for being our pillar of strength, for leading us to the right direction, for everything.

I'm going to marry someone like you someday. I love you Daddy. We love you, more than you'll ever know ♥♥♥

Hoping, waiting, believing.
Dear Juliet,

I wonder if there ever is/are other reader/s of this blog aside from my loyal best pal Madelaine. Wow. It'll be awesome if this blog becomes a household name like the celebrity blogs which I usually visit. But then again, I'm not popular so I guess I'll give up on that fantasy. Anyways, let me tell you how my yesterday went.

Yesterday was nakaaaliw. A friend accompanied my throughout the day. He patiently texted with me and dealt with my weirdness coolly. Somehow, he diverted my attention from my worries and uplifted my mood. I asked him for a happy song and his suggestion was just perfect. He is a really good friend. However, sometimes, you can't always trust guys. And when I find out he can't be trusted, Imma do this [see picture at the right] to him and to other malice-driven guys out there. *Note: For added effect, pretend that Jerry is a male organ.*

Yesterday was interesting, too. An author, Mr. Marco, stopped by to submit his answer key. After he left, he texted me, saying that I look “maganda” because of my short hair [or so he thought]. I’m not really good at receiving compliments, but I guess I’ll just have to believe him on this. It really feels good to be appreciated. I guess I have to accept admiring comments from people from now on. J

My day yesterday was made even more interesting by an activity I decided to do out of curiosity. I texted random numbers this question: “Have you had your heart broken? How did you cope with it?” I just wanted to know how other people dealt with their battles. I just want to know how I'm faring you know; if I'm doing this right. Plus, I might come across some unique techniques which may be applied to my life. Who knows, right?

Surprisingly, one replied. I assume this replier is a girl because of her katarayan and her assumptions. She said something insignificant like, “La na un. Naka move on na ako.” After a few exchange of texts, mainly about her curiosity as to who I am, I gave up on her. She wasn’t the person I expected and wanted to talk to. She was even speaking incomprehensible Bisaya, for crying out loud!

I was just hoping that through that activity, I’d be able to find someone with sense. That someone doesn’t really have to be a guy. I just want to speak with someone who is in the same boat as I am. You know, it just might help with the healing. Win-win on both parties. I guess, I’ll try out that activity some other time. I just wish such activities can also be successful in real life, not just in the movies. Wish me luck! J

Hoping, waiting, believing.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Dear Juliet,

I’ve decided today that your name will be Juliet so that every time I post something on here, it’ll be a letter to you. Get it? My blog entries will be letters to you—Letters to Juliet. Haha. Who knows? One day, there might just be answers for me. One day, someone might just tell me the right words that will make everything make sense. One day, someone might just give me the reasons to all my why’s.

For now, allow me to tell you about my day, Juliet. Well, today is my last day in grad school. It’s supposed to be a happy day, but things just didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. My plans for the day were changed for a reason, I guess. But after dealing with the grueling first half of my day, I made it. It’s just so comforting that the semester is over and that I am going to have a whole month free from school-related stress. I know I am not a good student. In fact, I am a very lazy and delinquent one. These are the reasons why grad school hasn’t been easy for me. It gave me much realizations about myself. It made me experience so much stress, pressure, self-doubt, and struggle. But finishing this sem is a breath of fresh air. I was able to survive the harsh and rigid academic environment of the land of scholars. Now, I think I may already be able to survive yet another sem. I just hope this time, I’ll be able to manage my time better, to focus my attention only on my goals, and to find the best motivation to work harder.

After school, I went straight to St. Clare in Katipunan. I initially planned on just staying in the Sunken Garden, but I realized it will be more worthwhile if I’ll choose to spend my emo time with God. I am not really a very religious person, but with everything I went through, I found strength from the faith that a Higher Being willed this to happen to me because he has something better in store for me. And so, hypocritical and funny as it may seem, I got closer to God. I now pray more often than before. I still don’t hear mass regularly, but I connect with God a lot now more than ever in my life.

We have different faiths, right? My belief is that one’s salvation is not solely base on how many times one hears mass, or how frequently one prays the rosary. I believe that we are saved, whether or not we express our faith in Him. I believe that our salvation mostly depends on how repentant we are of our sins, on how we make our lives better every time we fall and commit mistakes, and on how we live the life He has gifted us with. I believe that God gives equal opportunities and challenges. How we deal with these opportunities and challenges serve as the deciding factor of our salvation—Do we grab opportunities to improve or lives or do we let them pass right before us? Do we face our problems or do we give up easily? Now do I sound too preachy? Anyways…

I really like going to St. Clare because I find peace in writing my prayers and my inner thoughts. The last times I was there, my hands became sore from too much writing. I had too much to say to God that I consumed a lot of paper. But when I went there today, I opted not to write. Today, I just wanted to think and talk to God. And so, I found my place inside the church and began reflecting. I reinforced my beliefs by thinking that more than a tattoo, my will should be the one to remind me to keep hanging on. I asked God to strengthen my will and help me find my happiness. Yes, I can’t really say I am totally happy right now. I’d be a hypocrite if I’ll say I am no longer sad. But in God’s perfect time, I’m going to be there. I’m going to be where happiness is. With this thought, I left the church renewed and with refreshed hopes.

I no longer know what to say, Juliet. I have already forgotten my goal in writing to you. I guess I just wanted to say that I know I am doing just fine. What keeps me in a good disposition right now is the fact that I am surviving and that I have somehow learned to be okay with everything. The fact that I am functioning despite the numerous changes is proof that I can do this. The acceptance that things will go on this way has been easier. I’ve learned to no longer expect anything and to just move on as if I were not crushed. My anticipation of a bright future with the man destined to me is a good start. My will to become better has been supported by a lot of friends, making it easier to carry out. My strength, although tested at times, continues to grow with God’s help. And soon enough, without me even realizing how fast things went, I can already tell myself that I am completely healed.

Hoping, waiting, believing.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Permanent ♥

Dear Future Husband,

Hey, you! I'm writing from 2010, a couple of weeks before my 23rd birthday. So you see, yesterday, I did something major--something which hopefully would lead me to you. Yesterday, I declared in a permanent fashion my belief about love--that despite what happened to my heart, I still have faith that a "forever" awaits me in the future; that you are also waiting for me; and that we'll find each other in God's perfect time. 

On the day we find each other, I'll show you what I did. I hope you'll be grateful that I stuck to this belief. I hope that as you are touching it, you'll look me in the eye, tell me how proud you are of my strength, and thank me for not giving up on love. On that day, our puzzles will be complete and our lives will intertwine as one. On that day, I am sure, I won't be asking for anything more.

Come our wedding day, I'll walk in the aisle with my eyes focused only on the love of my life. On that most-awaited day, I'll be the most beautiful woman in your eyes and you'll be the handsomest man to me. We'll hold hands during the whole solemn ceremony. I won't forget to mention in my vows that I never regret a single thing that I did in the past, because those things led me to finding you.

The heartaches, pains, and tears of yesterday would mean nothing compared to the total bliss I'll be feeling on that day. I'll tell the world that though my heart was broken, my faith remained intact, and that faith brought me where I am destined to be. I'll proudly and whole-heartedly say "I do" in front of all the people that matter to us and I'll be the envy of every girl in proximity. On our wedding day, we will be the happiest persons in the world. On our wedding day, our world will become one another.

I want to have a child by the age of 25, husband. But if I still haven't found you by that time, my belief won't falter. I'll keep waiting. I'll keep hoping. I'll keep believing.

Someday, I'll let you read this letter. I'll narrate to you how patiently I waited. I'll hug you under our white cotton sheets and tell you how much relieved I am because the long wait is over. And as we drift to sleep, we'll both know that what we have at that time is true and will last, always and forever.

But for now, all I can do is wait for you, till kingdom come.

Love lots,
Your future wife

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Of battles and rants

Writing has been one of my outlets lately. If I can't talk to a friend, I keep myself sane by writing to Thinkerbella. But since she has given up on me, Austin took her special place in my life. What I can't say publicly, I say to Austin. He does not respond, of course. But he's a really good shock absorber. I guess it's just important for me to let out what I truly feel. Since I don't have Austin with me, I'm writing to this blog.

Dear blog,

I am yet to give you a name. I swear, it'll be a good one. But for now, just please hear me. If you could give me an advice, please do so. LOL.

So I swore to myself that my October would be better, happier. I was resolved to doing everything I can to make Zia healthier and stronger. However, hurdles keep blocking my way. Not that I don't think I could overcome them, but I just feel that life has to give me a break.

On second thought, maybe this is life's way of making me and Zia stronger. After all, the meaning of life isn't solely measured by just the happy times. Most of the time, life is all about how one fights his/her battles. I'll face my battles with all my might. They can't be bigger than me.

This battle with some relatives made me down today. It's sad that during the time when we were humiliated in front of a lot of people, nobody stood up for us. And when I finally decided to speak in my family's behalf, they misinterpreted me. It's sad how matters like this get out of hand. It's nobody's fault that we are in this situation. I just wanted to express what we felt. When I wrote our official statement, I had no intentions of looking down on anyone. I never thought of their financial condition. I just thought, regardless of one's standing in life, no one deserves to be lambasted in front of an audience.

I can't believe how such interpretations were formulated. Sigh. I hope God helps me with this.

All I need right now is peace of mind. I'm so stressed out and over-fatigued that I'm starting to get sick, which isn't something that's normal to me. I just want total normalcy in my life again. And I'm going to achieve that no matter what.

I know I'm not alone in this battle. My family is behind me. We're all in this together. Ang most importantly, God is with us. Wish us luck, blog. HUG!