Friday, October 8, 2010

Dear Juliet,

I’ve decided today that your name will be Juliet so that every time I post something on here, it’ll be a letter to you. Get it? My blog entries will be letters to you—Letters to Juliet. Haha. Who knows? One day, there might just be answers for me. One day, someone might just tell me the right words that will make everything make sense. One day, someone might just give me the reasons to all my why’s.

For now, allow me to tell you about my day, Juliet. Well, today is my last day in grad school. It’s supposed to be a happy day, but things just didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. My plans for the day were changed for a reason, I guess. But after dealing with the grueling first half of my day, I made it. It’s just so comforting that the semester is over and that I am going to have a whole month free from school-related stress. I know I am not a good student. In fact, I am a very lazy and delinquent one. These are the reasons why grad school hasn’t been easy for me. It gave me much realizations about myself. It made me experience so much stress, pressure, self-doubt, and struggle. But finishing this sem is a breath of fresh air. I was able to survive the harsh and rigid academic environment of the land of scholars. Now, I think I may already be able to survive yet another sem. I just hope this time, I’ll be able to manage my time better, to focus my attention only on my goals, and to find the best motivation to work harder.

After school, I went straight to St. Clare in Katipunan. I initially planned on just staying in the Sunken Garden, but I realized it will be more worthwhile if I’ll choose to spend my emo time with God. I am not really a very religious person, but with everything I went through, I found strength from the faith that a Higher Being willed this to happen to me because he has something better in store for me. And so, hypocritical and funny as it may seem, I got closer to God. I now pray more often than before. I still don’t hear mass regularly, but I connect with God a lot now more than ever in my life.

We have different faiths, right? My belief is that one’s salvation is not solely base on how many times one hears mass, or how frequently one prays the rosary. I believe that we are saved, whether or not we express our faith in Him. I believe that our salvation mostly depends on how repentant we are of our sins, on how we make our lives better every time we fall and commit mistakes, and on how we live the life He has gifted us with. I believe that God gives equal opportunities and challenges. How we deal with these opportunities and challenges serve as the deciding factor of our salvation—Do we grab opportunities to improve or lives or do we let them pass right before us? Do we face our problems or do we give up easily? Now do I sound too preachy? Anyways…

I really like going to St. Clare because I find peace in writing my prayers and my inner thoughts. The last times I was there, my hands became sore from too much writing. I had too much to say to God that I consumed a lot of paper. But when I went there today, I opted not to write. Today, I just wanted to think and talk to God. And so, I found my place inside the church and began reflecting. I reinforced my beliefs by thinking that more than a tattoo, my will should be the one to remind me to keep hanging on. I asked God to strengthen my will and help me find my happiness. Yes, I can’t really say I am totally happy right now. I’d be a hypocrite if I’ll say I am no longer sad. But in God’s perfect time, I’m going to be there. I’m going to be where happiness is. With this thought, I left the church renewed and with refreshed hopes.

I no longer know what to say, Juliet. I have already forgotten my goal in writing to you. I guess I just wanted to say that I know I am doing just fine. What keeps me in a good disposition right now is the fact that I am surviving and that I have somehow learned to be okay with everything. The fact that I am functioning despite the numerous changes is proof that I can do this. The acceptance that things will go on this way has been easier. I’ve learned to no longer expect anything and to just move on as if I were not crushed. My anticipation of a bright future with the man destined to me is a good start. My will to become better has been supported by a lot of friends, making it easier to carry out. My strength, although tested at times, continues to grow with God’s help. And soon enough, without me even realizing how fast things went, I can already tell myself that I am completely healed.

Hoping, waiting, believing.

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