Monday, February 28, 2011

My last entry for the L♥VE month

Dear Juliet,

I am aware that I am not a good blogger. I suck at writing too, actually. But I love bloggingit allows me to share whatever insights and pent-up emotions I have. I also love blog hoppingit makes me ponder on insights I get from reading random blogs.

Today, I stumbled upon two blogs. One talked about God, karma, and love while the other one discussed her lack of luck. I don't know these bloggers personally, but their blog entries struck a chord and got me thinking.

Let me quote some paragraphs from Blog #1.
I don’t believe in a god. There is no one to blame, only us. There is no one to thank, maybe just the people around us.

I don’t believe in karma. There are only those lucky enough to get away with the horrible things they do and those unfortunate enough to be truly good people but go the rest of their lives unacknowledged, unrecognized, forgotten. Things don’t happen for a reason. They just do.
These are really sad standpoints. But somehow, they also shook my belief, my faith. I believe in God. However, there is not one instance in my life that I felt Him, His presence. You know how others would say, "God allowed this miracle to happen in my life"? I don't have that kind of experience. When I relied on God during the lowest point of my life, I was desperate. I needed to believe in something in order for me to move on and anticipate the coming of better things. And so, I lifted my everything to Him. But then after thinking about it, maybe there really is no God. Maybe I moved on with no help from God. Maybe it was just me, my will, my strength, and my determination. Who knows, right?

But of course, I'm sticking to my beliefs. There is a God. I don't know how to prove that. I just believe that a Higher Being created the universe; that there is heaven; and that after death, eternal damnation awaits those who never repented their sins. I can't give reasons, I just believe.

Though it's really tempting to believe that there is no God, I still choose to believe in one, not because I am a devout Catholic, but because I need something to make me want to choose to be a good person. Without a God, it will be too easy for me to be evil. Without a God, my life would be dark. Without a God, I wouldn't be this person. Without a God, I would be lost.

Maybe that's how I see Godmy go-to person; my role model; my pillar of strength. But I never asked God to punish those who have wronged me. That aspect, I rely onto Karma.

The blogger's take on Karma discouraged me. How then will the bad people ever pay for their misdemeanors? Does that mean that the pickpockets can continue doing their acts and just get away with it if they're lucky enough not to be caught? That is really sad. It makes me think that nothing is really fair in this world. Justice, where art thou? Sigh.

"There are only those lucky enough to get away with the horrible things they do and those unfortunate enough to be truly good people but go the rest of their lives unacknowledged, unrecognized, forgotten." This resounds in my head and makes me want to cry for I am trying to be a good person and here I am, unacknowledged, unrecognized, forgotten. FML! Haha.

Maybe I am just Blogger #2. Maybe I'm just born unlucky. I always get fooled in relationships. I always get the smaller piece of the cake. I am the lowest-paid among my friends. I happen to choose the wrong answer when guessing a multiple-choice test item. A zit appears on my cheek a day before an event that requires looking pretty and flawless. Laptops crash in the middle of an important paper, just when I needed them the most. I end up choosing the wrong decisions for myself all of the time. I am unlucky, just plain unlucky.

Maybe I am not meant rely on luck to be successful and happy because Blogger #2 right, "Luck runs out." Maybe I am one of those who need to work hard in order to satiate my wants and needs. And to satiate my longing to have bad Karma cross my enemies' paths, I have to make the moves. Maybe it's time to showcase my mojo-jojo scheming skills. *Evil laugh*

But seriously, I guess if there is no Karma, I'll just have to do my best and think that at the end of the day, we will all die. And then when that happens, God does the rest come judgment day.

Hoping, waiting, believing.
★ Happidezz

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Falling out of L♥VE: A self-talk entry

Dear Juliet,

Lately, I've been having doubts and complaining too much about a very important aspect of my life--work. Ten months ago, I wrote a blog entry about my love-hate relationship with my job. Ten months after that entry, I just can't feel the love part of that so-called relationship anymore. I'm now bored to life. And this is killing me.

Sadly, I might have fallen out of love with my job.

But I don't want to believe that. As much as possible, I want to save our precious relationship. I can't throw it away just like that. I owe this job a lot. We have gone through thick and thin, better and worse, richness and poorness. It will break my heart to leave it. I don't want to give it up. It is something I know I am good at. It is something I am comfortable with. But how can I revive our lost flame? I think I need to "miss" this job for a while so that I'd realize how important it is to me. Maybe if I am away from it for a while, I'd realize how much I love editing again. But how can I get away? Sigh.

I used to love this job so much. I used to enjoy editing manuscripts. I used to look forward to sitting in front of my desk and scrutinize written sentences. But then somewhere some time, I lost the drive; my passion subsided. Now, it takes me two weeks to finish a god damned book! I swear, I am trying really, really hard to get the motivation back, but there seems to be no effective technique.

I'm thinking of finding a greener pasture, like having the same job in a different yet high-paying company. LoL! Of course money is a factor here, because compensation-wise, my job is not something that allows me to enjoy life to the fullest. And by "enjoying life to the fullest," I mean I'm not able to buy myself things other people my age already have, reach destinations--both local and international--other people my age have already been to, and experience fun activities other people my age have already done. It's a noble job, I have to say. But what is the point of working your ass out and not enjoying the fruits? Sigh. 

This might just be an episode. One that occurred to me when I wrote this. However, back then, I was someone who does not mind the malnourished paychecks as long as there is LOVE, someone who's contented with what she has in life. Now, I guess that has all changed. Rawr!

Maybe the paychecks and love are no longer working. But for now, let's see where the road takes me. I hope to land that 40k a month stint. LoL! yeah, I'm that ambitious ;p But whatever. If this place is my home for now, so be it. After all, finding the One is a life-long search. Haha. I just have to be patient and do my best.

Rawr, I was trying to talk sense to myself, but I just ended up as confused and unmotivated as ever ;c What to do? What to do? Hay. Makapag-edit na nga!

Hoping, waiting, believing.
★ Happidezz

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

iL♥VE Diversity

Dear Juliet,

I like how people are unique, having their own traits, beliefs, and attitudes. What I dislike, however, is when people start to impose on me what they believe in.

For example, a gay guy once criticized my plain clothing when we were in a rather high-end place. As he and his companion were wearing Lacoste stuff at the time, he blatantly told me to wear something more sosyal next time. WTH?! Can't I wear cheap clothes I am comfortable with, and which I think are presentable enough?

When I encounter someone who's overdressed somewhere, I don't say, "please wear the appropriate clothes next time, because you are an eyesore." Or when I encounter someone ugly at a posh event, I don't say, "please leave the premises because your face does not belong here." Or when a supposedly straight boyfriend acts so effeminately in front of me, I don't say, "you're like a bading na naubusan ng booking sa sobrang pagiinarte mo." No, I don't do that because I respect other people and because I am very sensitive of the feelings of others. 

So whether one wears Bench or Divi clothes or branded ones, please don't give a damn, because brands are just brands. People who see others through the brand they wear are shallow and superficial. Come on, I bet St. Peter won't ask "authentic" Lacoste or Burberry or Chanel or Louis Vuitton receipts from us before he lets us enter heaven. Instead, his question would probably be, "Were you a good person when you were still living?"

Another example would be my mom insisting that I pray with her or go to mass with her. Mama is a devout Catholic. I am a Catholic too, but I'm kind of a nonpracticing one. I don't hear mass regularly. I don't enjoy praying the rosary. But that does not mean that I don't believe in God; that does not mean that I don't pray to Him. In fact, God was my anchor during the most turbulent phase of my life. I talked to Him a lot during those times. I asked for His guidance in every decision I was going to make. I asked strength from Him.

I may not pray the rosary every day or go to mass regularly, but my faith in God is intact. I have my own beliefs, and I don't have to prove them by showing others that I go to church or that I bring with me a rosary wherever I go. I think God is more concerned with how we treat others and how we live our lives, rather than the number of times we pray the rosary or go to mass in a day or in a week.

My last example would be this: I don't have a problem with gay lingo, so people who are too much affected by the language should not hinder people who are fascinated with the language from using it. I am not gay, but I use terms as ateh, char, charos, eklavu, etc. I use them because they are interesting; they add color and fun to conversations; they are my fillers in times of language incompetence; and they simply are the "in" things nowadays. People who hate the language should not make people who use it feel that they are less of persons. Come on. All of us have the freedom to speak however we like to. It's our prerogative whether we'd be influenced by gay people or not, but nobody is in the position to say that gay lingo has no value, because all socio-economic and political factors aside, all languages are equal in nature. So no one should say, "Sana wala ng madamay na mga babae sa mga kalokohan nila. Tama na yung sila-sila na lang."

Of course, I did not argue with the guy. I'm not good at arguing. I just explained to him that like the Bisaya and the Bicolano, gays also have their linguistic identity and freedom. I too have my linguistic preferences. Then, I let the discussion rest.

Well, this is just from a linguistic student's point of view. I just think the gay lingo is creative, fun to use, and definitely not a kalokohan. The same is true with the Jejemons' language. However, I'm kind of appalled by the grammatical deviations of the Jejemons, so yeah, I'm partial with the gays. Gays rock! ♥ Gay guys suck, though. And by gay guys, I mean straight guys who act overly gay. Haha.

Okay, I have to admit that I also laugh at people whom I think are jologs and ugly. I also laugh at people who carry around fake designer bags and brag about it every time. But I try my best not to belittle them and make them feel like crap. This is the reason why I hate the gay guy in Example 1 who made me feel that I am poor and fashionably insignificant just because I am not extravagantly dressed. This is why I hate it when my Mom tells me that I'm a heretic whenever I refuse to go to mass with her. And this is why I hate a guy friend for strongly telling me to stop calling him "ateh" just because he thinks gay lingo sucks.

We are all different. I understand that we have different takes on different matters, but in one way or another, someone out there accepts you for who you are--no questions asked. Is it too much to accept another for what he/she is? After all, pare-pareho lang tayong may mga kapintasan at kagalingan. Bakit di na lang natin tanggapin yun at huwag na magbigay ng kung anu-anong komentong nagpapataas lang naman ng ego natin. 

Bakit nga ba natin sinasabing baduy ang isang taong nagsusuot ng mumurahin at makalumang mga damit? Hindi ba dahil gusto rin natin ipaalam sa mundo na tayo ang makabago, mayaman, at fashionable?

Really, I salute people who do not look at the superficial qualities of people. Di ako nagmamalinis dahil isa rin ako sa mga mapagmataas at mapamintas. Pero ang point ko, may mga dapat tayong kalugaran. At hopefully, sana--isang malaking SANA--nasa tamang lugar ako. If not, I'll try to get there as soon as possible.

Hoping, waiting, believing.
★ Happidezz

Monday, February 14, 2011

Vday L♥VE!

Dear Juliet,

I wasn't really expecting anything for this day, but as my friend puts it, God sends angels to make a day or two in our lives extra special. Here's what my angel said to me today.
Nung mga panahong bago pa lang ang sugat sa 'yo, hinangad ko talagang mabilis ang maging paghilom. Kung kaya ko lang, kinuha ko na. Hindi dahil mabuti akong tao. Hindi dahil sobrang close natin. Kundi dahil alam kong hindi mo deserve yun. Alam kong hindi patas na kung sino pa yung nagmamahal ng totoo, siya pa ang kinakawawa. Tanggap ko na bahagi talaga ng pag-ibig ang masaktan pero may choices ang mga tao kung sila mismo ang mananakit sa mga taong nagmamahal sa kanila, at napakawalang kwenta niyang tao para saktan ka, Hindi ko sya kilala ng lubos. Sigurado akong marami rin siyang naging mabuting katangian. Kaya nga minahal mo siya di ba? Pero hindi talaga kasi tama. At aaminin kong bias ako kasi ang alam ko lang ay ang pinakamasasama niyang ginawa.


Kung pwede ko lang iedit ang isang aspect ng buhay mo na labis na nakasakit sa 'yo, pipili ako ng pinakakarapat-dapat na taong magpaparamdam sa 'yo ng tunay mong halaga. Pero habang absent pa ang taong yun, sana maramdaman mo rin sa mga taong nakapaligid sa 'yo kung gaano ka kahalaga sa kanila. Sigurado akong napakaraming nagmamahal sa 'yo.
We had this thing in the office called Valentine Kringle. Ms. Anna was my secret Valentine and she gave me my favorite praline chocolate! With her present was this moving "love letter" which really made me cry.


Everytime I re-read her letter, which was two pages by the way, tears come down my face--not because the letter reminds me of the pain I went through, but because it is a reminder of how valuable I am as a person, a workmate, a daughter, a friend.

It was from Ms. Anna that I got the idea about angels. She's always thankful and appreciative of people who  help her in one way or another, of people who make her happy. She believes in her angels, but the truth she's not aware of is, she herself is an angel to a lot of people. Her heart is just so full of good intentions. And I can attest to that. Her beliefs, principles, and attitudes in life made her one of my favorite persons. In a non-lesbian way, I can say that I so love this person! She was one of the persons who kept me going during the hardest time of my life. She was witness to my life's "battles" and I'm really lucky she was by my side then.

Who needs a guy for V-day when people who love you make you feel special even more than a boyfriend could? God, I am so blessed!

Mula sa kaibuturan ng puso ko, salamat Ms. Anna! Napakalaking bagay nito para sa akin. Alam kong nampressure pa ako nung mga nakaraang araw dahil sa mga pagpaparinig ko sa nakabunot sakin, pero  this is more than what I was expecting. Sobrang hindi ko inaasahang mapapaiyak mo ako. Haha! Maraming salamat talaga. Napakabuti mong tao at wala akong ibang hangad kundi ang matanggap mo lahat ng makakapag pasaya sa iyo because you also deserve happiness. Hangad ko rin na matagpuan mo ang lalaking makakapagpaintindi sa 'yo kung ano talaga ang "konsepto" ng pagmamahal. Sana matagpuan mo na ang J***n ng buhay mo--yung karapatdapat at totoo.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

This morning, I was also texting with another girl I love so much, in a non-lesbian kind of way. Madie told me the song of the year is Lady Antebellum's Need You Now. I told her I love that song, especially the part which has this lyrics: "It's a quarter after one I'm a little drunk and I need you now." I said it reminds me of my alcohol frenzy at Gumbo. Haha.

Good thing Madie was there when I needed her the most. Even without proper sleep, she came to help me during my most wasted, drunken state. She said she was really disgusted of me that time though, and I quote: "LOL @ Gumbo haha. alam m bang masuka suka din ako nun kaya natatawa c clara habang naglilinis kme e."

I swear, I was a mess that time. Even with puke all over my hair, Madie and Clara hugged and comforted me when I came back to consciousness. I'm so blessed having such great friends. And then there are my high school friends who also inspired me so much. I love them all!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Everything about this day is such a blessing. Today, I was also given a project--something that will challenge my capabilities and eventually give me cash. Yehey! Thank you, Papa God! You're the best!

Love letter, chocolatesss, and a SHOT GLASS
for Vday. How cool is that? :)

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ 

If I had a significant other at this time, this would be my song for him. Wherever you are, we'll see each other soon. But for now, let this song go out to my family whose unwavering love for me made me a better, stronger person. Mama, Daddy, and Megs, ILOVEYOU!

If Tonight Is My Last
Laura Izibor


If an angel came down to me, asked what I would do differently
I would say nothing, you see, I love someone truly
And if I do not see tomorrow, you know it's gonna be alright
'Cause I got my baby right by my side


And if the rain ain't falling and the sun ain't shining
It makes no difference to me I'm right where I wanna be


And if tonight is my last what I gotta do?
And if tonight is my last I wanna spend it with you
And if the sky fall's down it's gonna be alright
'Cause I got you here tonight


If I had to give all that I own
In return for the love that's grown
I would give it gladly 'cause nothing else compares
To the moments that we shared


And if the rain ain't falling and the sun ain't shining
It makes no difference to me I'm right where I wanna be


And if tonight is my last what I gotta do?
And if tonight is my last I wanna spend it with you
And if the sky fall's down it's gonna be alright
'Cause I got you here tonight


Only given a short time on this earth
You gotta make each moment worth something beautiful
You gotta give every bit of you for the love
Half just won't do


And if tonight is my last what I gotta do?
And if tonight is my last I wanna spend it with you
And if the sky fall's down it's gonna be alright
'Cause I got you here tonight


If tonight is my last what I gotta do?
(It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright)
If tonight is my last I wanna spend it with you
(It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright)
And if the sky fall's down it's gonna be alright
(It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright)
Because I got you here tonight, here tonight
(It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright)


It's gonna be alright


If an angel came down to me, asked what I would do differently
I would say nothing, you see, I love someone truly

Hoping, waiting, believing.
★ Happidezz

Saturday, February 12, 2011

L♥VE Month, Date Month

Dear Juliet,

It's the love month! What better way to celebrate it than to spend it on dates with a special someone, right?  Yeah, so it's love-month-date-month. Why the heck am I writing this? LoL!

This morning, my very good friend, Madie, asked me, "Atey, what's your worst dating experience aside from paying the bills? haha!"

Wow, that got me thinking. At first, I really can't get my head to come up with one answer. But as the answers came, I more of felt that I missed a lot of good things about dating. Well, yes. I paid the bills. I paid the bills a lot. And then there were a lot of nights when I come home very late, commuting alone because my date was a dick. Then there was this one time when he dropped me home, but asked for cab fare from me. It has been that most of the time. But then there were also happy times, I give the him that.

Agh! This makes me miss dating and being in a relationship. But then again, as I've said in previous entries, I'm good being SINGLE on Vday. This is my first, after six years. So yeah.

How about you? What is your worst dating experience? How about your best one? :)

Hoping, waiting, believing.
★ Happidezz

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

L♥VE-Dove

Dear Juliet,

Yep, that was me saying lub-dub in a stuttering, "speech defect-y" manner. Bahaha! Potcha. My heart's literally about to jump off my chest and I don't know why. Zia's pounding really, really mad. Now I can't drink coffee to keep me awake for my all nighter! Baka lalo ako mag-palpitate at mamatay if I do. Damn, I'm gonna pass out on my readings for sure. I have a lot to read for tomorrow's classes pa naman. Boo-hoo ;c Of all things to worry about my heart, ito pa. Crazy!

At least I know I have a heart, right? ♥ Photo credits here.

On other news...

I got to read a script written by Ms. Anna, my favorite office mate and writer. She took up Creative Writing in UP, so I got the feel of what an "authentic" movie script really is. It was so interesting! A page-turner indeed. Even my sister got hooked.

T'was fun to visualize what was written on the 76-pager superb piece. I got the impression that I'm reading a One Tree Hill script because of the panning, angling, and zooming in/out of the camera; the unexpected twists; the timely flashbacks; the creativity; the subtle humor, and the witty choice of words. In my head, certain personalities whom I personally chose played the roles.

The love story was inspired by Fight Club. The female protagonist, Aia, was just like Tyler Durden--only she had an imaginary friend, not an alter ego. Since she did not seem to fit such an ordinary world which treated her badly, she made her own perfect one and conjured a perfect friend named Jason who willingly accepted her as she is. She never outgrew this world and this friend. At the age of 22, she still clung to Jason who now became her boyfriend. 

Aia was aware that her imaginary world makes having a real love life impossible. Conflict arises when she meets Mike, a not-so-ideal guy whom she later on fell in love with. She was torn whether to embrace the painful reality of falling in love, or stick to her made-up yet perfect world.

Okay, enough with the script review. I might not be giving Ms. Anna's piece justice. Anyway, I'm really rooting for this girl. She's so talented and inspiring! She truly loves her craft and her works reflect her dedication to it.

Hoping, waiting, believing. 
★ Happidezz

Sunday, February 6, 2011

On Logic and L♥VE

Dear Juliet,

I subscribe to this application on Facebook which gives me God's day-to-day messages. It's something I habitually check out just to have something to ponder on. It gives me insights about love, about relationships, and about life in general. It's good that the messages make me think and reflect. So here, let me share what I think and feel about God's message for me for today.
On this day, God wants you to know that love is the opposite of logic. Logic is argumentative, aggressive upon the mind, splits the world into right and wrong, us and them. Love is generative, compassionate, embracing all creation. Logic pays attention to what is being said. Love pays attention to how things are said. Logic leads to debate. Love leads to communion.
Ah. Destiny. Fate. True love. The one. God's gift. Always and forever. I've actually spent most of my time this week talking about love with friends. Then, I realized that I can honestly and proudly say that I have loved before, that I have truly gave everything I had for my one and only love. Perhaps that experience led me  to want to be more logical about things. Because after everything I sacrificed, after defying everything for that one thing I ever wanted, still, "everything" was not enough to keep the man I loved to stay the same; "everything" did not guarantee me of a happily ever after; "everything" did not spare my heart from being broken.

Yes, I would still like to believe about love and magic and butterflies and star dusts and fate and happily ever afters. But then again, I no longer want to be disappointed and hurt, so I resolve to just be logical in the mean time. I weigh everything now. I am now skeptical about things I hear from men and about relationships in general. I no longer go "Aaaww, that's so sweet" whenever I hear men open their stupid mouths and give me compliments. It's now more difficult for me to believe in magic, in falling in love, in sincerely good men. After everything I went through, I now find it impossible that there's someone out there who's perfect for me.

This may just be me being bitter, cautious [as my dear friend Maj would put it], and smarter. But I still can't see myself "falling" again any time soon. At this point in my life, I still don't want to make myself vulnerable. I don't find it necessary to lower my walls and take risks yet. The last time I did that, my heart almost gave up; I almost gave up.

It's not that I'm not closing my doors on love. It's just that my protective instincts at the moment are overly high. If you share the same context as me, then, you'd understand what I'm saying.  I just don't want to fool myself by continually believing in the idealistic notions of love. The more I'll believe in them, the more it'll be difficult for me to find love. Because in reality, love isn't all about sugar, spice, and everything nice. It's about shedding tears. It's about sacrificing. It's about spending lots of money. It's about lowering your pride. It's about submitting yourself to your partner. It's about being a hundred percent honest. It's about resisting temptations. It's about being strong. It's about extending your patience. It's about being vulnerable.  It's about giving your all but expecting nothing in return. It's about risking your heart to being crushed into millions of pieces. It's about letting your guard down and giving the person you love the power to hurt you.

I know in time, when God thinks I'm ready, a guy will come into my life and change everything I think about love. He will make me believe in love and magic and butterflies and star dusts and fate and happily ever afters again. He will make me be willing to shed tears, sacrifice, spend money, lower my pride, submit myself to him, be totally honest, resist temptations, be exceptionally strong, extend my patience, be vulnerable, give my all, expect nothing, risk my heart to being crushed, let my guard down, and give him the power to hurt me.

When he comes, he'll know he can hurt me, but he'll choose to be right and will never do that. When he comes, I'll finally have my always and forever and I'll be happy with my other half. When he comes, he'll decide to do the same things I'm willing to do for him. When he comes, we'll together decide to love each other every single day.

Hoping, waiting, believing. 
★ Happidezz

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Let's talk about L♥VE

Dear Juliet,

I haven’t seen this particular episode of American Idol. I only came across this video at Facebook and boy was I blown away.

It's so refreshing to know that a guy like him still exists on this planet. Now this is love. This is TRUE LOVE. And he is a gentleman. He is a REAL MAN. The video says it all. Enough said. ♥ ♥ ♥




Hoping, waiting, believing. 
★ Happidezz