Saturday, April 23, 2011

Changed!

Dear Juliet,

I did some tweaks on my one-year-old blog and I'm so proud of myself!  YES! Juliet turned one last April 18, and I forgot to mention that. So here, to celebrate her birthday, I finally redesigned my blog. See that overly vain banner? I made that myself. Ha! I kept the other elements (i.e. background, fonts, columns, color theme, etc.) though, since I really like them that way--simple and neat. It's sad, however, that I suck at HTML/CSS codes. I don't know how to retain the white border my photos used to have. Teach me, anyone? Sigh. But anyhow, blog customization-CHECK!

Discombobulations, reflections, and whatnots.
I'm writing this partly because it was Good Friday yesterday, and mostly because I've lately been thinking if my self-improvement plan has been working. (Have you noticed it too? People who are fresh from a heartbreak do self-improvement measures. Perhaps it's an unwritten rule to do so, or it's another way of getting oneself to move on.) Since it has been so long since that moment of depression I had, I've been reflecting: Have I changed and become a better person? I'd like to say YES. But then, NO, I'm not quite sure.

See, I'm no longer the excessively insecure girl that I used to be--always worried what Budang will say about my get-up; always wanting to please Budang with how I look; always worried that my clothes aren't expensive and that Budang might notice; always sad that Budang thinks I'm fat, etc.

I'm more than glad Budang is out of my life. Now, I get to appreciate myself more, fat or not. I'm now free to look however I want and dress this way or that, without worrying that I might not get someone's approval. I am now more confident of myself. "So what if my ensemble is not expensive and branded? At least I bought it WITH MY OWN MONEY." 

Now, I no longer force myself to please everybody. What I think of myself is all that matters. But there's a downside to it. When I'm not minding people's opinions and feelings, I tend to become too indifferent, or worse, I appear as someone na walang pakisama. Yes, I may say, "wala akong paki-alam sa sasabihin ng iba," but still, a part of me wants to make a good impression. That's where the gray area comes in.

Where all this reflecting started
Last Wednesday, a guy was thanking me that I was no longer aloof to him. He was wrong. He had mistaken my gestures and assumed we were already chums tied to the ribs.  

Before, he used to bombard me  with compliments and special attention. I was not comfortable nor interested with the unnecessary flattery, so I distanced myself from him. Plus, I didn't want to give him false hopes by entertaining him and by being closer to him. I don't know, maybe there are just people we meet in life whom we don't really like and get along with; there are people who annoy us even if they're not doing anything wrong. To me, he is one of those people. Sad but true.

Lately, however, I've been coordinating with him because I wanted to surprise a friend for her birthday. Also, we went to a wedding reception where we got drunk together with another friend. Though those were happy times, the fact still remains: I am not comfortable with him. And so when I got that thank-you text, I felt the need to re-establish the space I created. I was worried, though, that  I hurt his feelings with this insensitive reply: "Ndi naman sa aloof. I just value my private space at di ko pnpilit ang sarili kong iplease ang lahat ng tao. Kung di ko feel, di ako magpapanggap ngumiti. Ewan, i'm just moody that way."

After that message, he no longer replied. I guess he took it personally. Somehow, my conscience told me I was being too harsh. He just wants to be my friend and there I was, being too crabby. Sigh. I just didn't want to put myself in an uncomfortable place, you know. If I make friends with him, he'll just continue doing stuff that will surely annoy me and I'll have to endure that. If I don't make friends with him, I become walang pakisama.

Maybe I'm also just stubborn. I already tried so many times to understand where he's coming from and tolerate his annoying antics, but I always end up asking myself, "Why should I tolerate him and make myself uneasy?" And so I'll end up firm with my decision to maintain that distance. Better true than mapagpanggap, di ba? :)

Distance from the world
Apparently, it's not only from him that I have created distance with. Lately, I deliberately don't respond to texts and messages on Facebook. Not that I don't care for or love these people who remember me. It's just that I've been too busy with my coordinating job. Thus, I don't really feel like thinking too much about other things since I'm already fed up with my workload. As my tweet said, "I don't know, but i'm enjoying my current disconnection from the world. less texts and messages, less things to think about. that bad?"

Okay, this entry makes me sound like a sad person; a loner. I AM NOT. I just enjoy being alone sometimes. It makes me think and get to assess myself. 

So here goes my assessment of myself  at the moment: I have changed. (The question of whether the change is good or not does not really matter. I have changed. I have moved on. PERIOD.) I am beautiful; medyo fat, but beautiful pa rin (LoL). I love myself and I am confident with myself. I am single and independent, and I'm enjoying that! I don't feel the need to please everybody. I don't need a man to be happy (at least for now).

Hoping, waiting, believing.
★ Happidezz

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